Fear is real and is sometimes good because, to some degree, fear can cause us to be more cautious which can keep us safe. It's kind a human being thing.
Other times, things are just fucking scary, and it's not always easy to deal with.
Let me explain what is bringing this up for me. This post might be a tough one, so if you don't feel like reading something difficult, I give you total permission to bail out now.
When my recent health crap started, I was admitted to the hospital because of internal bleeding. The bleeding came from two ulcers which burst and were causing a lot of internal bleeding.
One of the procedures they did on me was called an Upper Endoscopy. Basically, they sedate you (like wisdom teeth sedation, not general anesthesia) and put a camera down your throat to see what is going on in your esophagus and digestive areas. It doesn't sound pleasant, but you are out so it's not a big deal.
Usually. For me, unfortunately, things haven't always gone well. Yes, I have had this procedure done successfully before. But twice, it didn't go as planned. The first time was probably 30 years ago or so (if not more, but lets just go with 30). I had contracted Giardia, a parasite, on a trip to Kenya. It caused ulcers and other problems so they did the procedure to see what was going on. I woke up in the middle of the procedure vomiting, with the tube still down my throat. The next event was in 2022, when they were trying to stop the internal abdominal bleeding. The scope hit something or irritated my ulcers and my abdominal cavity flooded with blood. They had to intubate me, put me under general anesthesia, and even had to give me a catheter. Not to sound overly dramatic, but I am very lucky that I woke up from that one, I almost didn't. For real.
The last "tube down my throat" story (not an Upper Endoscopy but a tube down your throat is a tube down your throat) was after my liver surgery in June 2023. I had IV issues that allowed air to get in my bloodstream. As I was in recovery they had to intubate me (tube down my throat) and sedate me for about a day or so. There were times that they had to bring me back to consciousness to take my vitals, etc and I remember waking up with the tube down my throat and seeing my family and the team around me. That wasn't easy.
Wow, that's a lot. I am sorry to share all of it but I am worried about my next upper endoscopy which is this Monday (1/6) and writing on my blog is therapeutic for me. Hence why I share what I've learned but also how I feel. And sometimes my feeling is fear.
So, on Monday I have another upper endoscopy because it's the only way to tell if my ulcers have healed and if I can come off of some of the ulcer meds (ulcers are a more detailed story for me due to the type of cancer I have too).
So I am scared. There, I said it. I am not always good at admitting to myself when I am scared but I am. I have been working on ways to cope with my fear with my therapist which has been hugely helpful and wanted to share some of what we have discussed in case it can help others.
I am not an anxious person by nature. I am pretty unflappable and try hard to live in the present moment and not to play "what if" games with myself. It usually works. But this time, while the procedure is what it is, it comes with a lot of PTSD for me.
It's also one of my main triggers, giving total control to others over me and my body since I will be under sedation. I am not a control freak, but ceding control in a medical environment is a huge trigger for me. While I can't do much about it, one of the ways I cope, is by talking a lot in the prep phases. I talk to anyone who will listen about my fears and history because me telling them what I am worried about makes me feel like they might pay more attention, be a little empathetic, and take better care of me.
So this week, we discussed it a lot in therapy. My therapist is great at keeping me in the present. When she saw I was scared, she asked how I was feeling at that moment. Not how I was feeling about Monday. That's a big distinction for me. She helped me to see that what I needed to focus on was my present feelings. Monday is Monday, but that's days away, and worrying about it doesn't help me right now.
We talked a lot, and she gave me some homework. She suggested that I write out a list of tools to help me process and deal with fear or anxiety at the moment. Just writing the list was helpful, and I know that these are things that help since I've used them before.
My list:
Deep breathing
Square - inhale for a 4 count, hold for a 4 count, exhale for a 4 count, hold for a 4 count, and repeat the sequence
4,7,8 - Krista taught me this one. Inhale for 4. Hold for 7. Exhale for 8 and repeat
Focus on and remember nice stories when things went well or people made me feel supported and good
Walk outside (or just go outside) and breathe fresh air
Sunshine on my face is a bonus
Listen to music
Imagine my family smiling and happy
Picture my dog
Develop a list of Mental images or photos/videos to watch
Examples for me
Being on the side of a snow-covered mountain on a bluebird day
Skiing to James Bond theme music
Skydiving
Hiking/walking in nature
Write blogs or other articles (just like I am doing right now!)
Suffice it to say (I love saying that) this weekend I am tapping into my tools. When I pay attention to myself and articulate what my fear feels like, it's generally a sense of unease, butterflies in my stomach, a little feeling of out of sorts, nervousness, and sadness. But the tools do help.
I know, rationally, that Monday will go fine. But that's my logical and rational side. That's the easy part. The emotional side is what I am working on and why I use the tools I mentioned above.
I am scared, and that's ok. I am not trying to talk myself out of it. I have learned so much, and allowing myself to feel what I feel and not to try to put on a brave face has been a major lesson for me.
Anyway, that's it for my heavy post. Honestly, writing this has helped me too. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I can't tell you how much that means to me.