Liminality; will I ever ring a bell?

I had acupuncture yesterday. I love acupuncture. Sure, the needles going in isn't always my favorite, but once they are in, I relax a lot. I have had a lot of sessions where I fall asleep, start crying, think deeply, etc. It really helps me physically and mentally.

Yesterday's acupuncture was in a room next to the radiation medicine department. So as I lay there with my needles, over and over I heard people ringing a bell to celebrate the end of their radiation treatment.

I will not get to ring a bell. One of my cancers isn't curable, but it is treatable. I won't have the "usual" cycle of chemo - surgery - radiation - remission.

So I lay there wondering, will I ever ring the bell? And secondly, do I care? What does the bell actually mean, and would I trade where I am to be able to ring the bell?

So I dwelled. A lot. I realized that the bell is a milestone, a measurable step for people in how they are dealing with cancer. When you ring the bell, you aren't celebrating a clean bill of health (unfortunately), you are celebrating the end of a treatment cycle. That helped me process a bit. I started to think more. It makes me so happy every time I hear the bell. It means that someone has finished taking a step to heal themselves. That's a pretty amazing thing. But, since it was my time to dwell, I thought about it in my context.

So no, I won't ring a bell. BUT. I feel pretty good, do most of the things I want to, work full time, have great relationships, do things to help other people (which matters to me), take care of myself, and am enjoying my life, even with cancers.

So does ringing the bell matter to me? Would I trade what I have to be able to ring the bell? No. I wouldn't (and that's me, and I am so sorry if you are reading this and having to deal with cancer and have rung the bell. It's amazing to take any steps forward!)

And then, the next day, I had therapy. And we started to discuss the bell. A lot. We talked about what the bell symbolizes, the end of a treatment. Something tangible and calendar-based, not health-outcome based. I will have milestones, but I don't have a linear journey. I am not working towards an endpoint, which is what a journey implies (I hate that word by the way. It's SO overused!).

Check out this video my therapist shared with me on this topic. It's one of my new favorite videos.

I am living more in the grey. I will have this forever, and be treated forever. My treatments aren't bell-worthy, although they are definitely something worthy!

As we discussed living a more undefined life, we discussed my new favorite work, Liminal. Liminal, or liminality, is about being in a constant state of transition. That's kind of where I am.

The bell symbolizes finishing a phase of your transition. It's measurable and an event. It's concrete. Treatments without acknowledged milestones, and treatable, not curable, means, as far as health goes, you are mostly in a liminal state.

So who knew that one acupuncture session (I have had lots) would generate so many thoughts in my little brain.

At the end of the day, what I realized, for me, is that I am happy living a liminal life, as long as I realize that I am in the grey, and taking advantage of being alive. Which I try to.

So no bell for me, but lots of other things that make me happy, fulfilled, and engaged. At the end of the day, that's all I want. I want to enjoy my life, and I am.