Expect the unexpected!

This is a combo post, updates, and thoughts. Updates first.

• I had my latest scans last week

• For the first time, I showed some growth and wasn't shrinking

• The growth is minimal, measured in millimeters.

• I do have one tumor in my liver that doubled in size from .5 cm to 1 cm, but it's still very small

• Because I am me, I did a bunch of research and used AI so when I walked into my oncologists office I had a good guess as to what he was going to say

• He suggested three options:

  • Finish my surgery now (remember, I still have the primaries in my pancreas and kidney and still have my spleen)

  • Second, get treated with PRRT which is essentially a targeted radiation treatment. I know a lot of people who have had it and they have had good results

  • Keep my shot, and get scanned in 3 months to see if the growth is continuing or was an anomaly (the math student in me remembered that two data points make a line, but I want more to make a trend

• All have plusses and minuses, but, I don't want another surgery or radiation unless I am convinced that I need them. So I opted for choice # 3. He wants to run that by my surgeons to make sure they agree but he thought that makes sense too

• I am still feeling good and have a little more fatigue, but my Burtness is high and I am having fun

• I love my job. I meet amazing people and learn something new almost every hour

Ok, end of update. The interesting part of today happened on the drive to acupuncture (which I had before Dr.'s appointment).

For whatever reason, today I decided to listen to music instead of podcasts while I drove. Music can trigger my emotions, and boy did it today.

In between the music and the ugly crying, all the anxiety that I usually don't experience hit me.

FYI, the music was my cheesy playlist.

Some of the things that popped into my head.

• Am I too cocky? I think I know everything but do I? I definitely don't

• Does my cockiness help me or hurt me?

• What if the Dr told me I needed some life-changing treatment now? Would I feel like I wasted my stable periods?

• Have I accomplished what I want to while living close to a normal life (for me)?

Self-doubt crept in and took over my emotions. It scared me a bit because that doesn't usually happen to me. My superpower is compartmentalization, and the dam broke today and the emotions came pouring out.

First of all, I gave myself some compassion. It's ok to feel how I was feeling. Feeling anxious is normal, and I protect myself too much from my feelings.

So after I spent some time thinking about what was happening (I centered myself and brought myself back to the present) and started processing. I wanted to move past it.

The first thing I did, was turn off the music. Now, it's debatable if that was a good move. For starters, I should feel my feels and not try to distract myself from them. But it's also ok for me to work through it, and that's what I chose to do. There will be other times for me to listen to music and cry my eyes out, but at that moment I didn't want that.

After turning off the music, I started doing some deep breathing to center myself and bring myself back to the present. After a few breaths (and no music) I calmed down a lot.

I got to my appointments and felt fine, but It woke me up a little bit, which I often need.

While I am glad the episode is over, I am proud of myself for how I handled it and how the rest of the day went. Sure, growth isn't fun, but it's small growth and we have a plan. And feeling and understanding my emotions is more valuable than anything.